I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
