brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
