You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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