I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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