Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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