Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So much Jack, so little girl.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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