Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
