i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
