I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
