yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
