Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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