We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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