He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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