I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
