ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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