he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
