Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Randomize
