Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
