i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
