ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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