I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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