just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
