so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
