1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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