No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
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some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
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At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.