just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
