I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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