Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
