sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Randomize
