someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
