That's when you crack a 10am beer
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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