I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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