Where did you get a picture of my penis
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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