Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
