I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
