Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
