my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
