I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
