What tipped you off? The sombrero?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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