you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
