You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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