You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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