it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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