You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
