maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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