hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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