so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
