remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
