I wish I could teleport
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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