i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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