my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He better not be in your backpack
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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