I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
