i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
