no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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