I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
