If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
