I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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