He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
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