Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
