Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
